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what are you talking about?

i think you are giving me more credit than i deserve. yeah, i’m the PRANKING MASTER but this is too much even for me! this is way too big of a prank for one person to handle.

if i had help then maybe i could do whatever you think i’m doing but i don’t. i barely know what you are going on and on about!

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT A TRUE PRANKING MASTER WOULD WANT ME TO THINK! OF COURSE YOU WOULD SAY THAT THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU—IT’S ALL PART OF THE RUSE TO TRICK ME INTO BELIEVING THAT IT ACTUALLY IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU, WHICH IT OBVIOUSLY ISN’T SINCE YOU CLEARLY PLANNED ALL THIS!

ONLY ACTUALLY, I’M NOT SURE WHICH END RESULT YOU WERE AIMING FOR NOW. WERE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME TALK LIKE AN IDIOT, OR WAS THE WHOLE GAMEPLAN HERE TO MAKE ME START SCREAMING ABOUT HOW YOU’RE TRYING TO TRICK ME AND THEN MAKE ME THINK YOU DIDN’T TRICK ME AND I’M JUST INSANE, AND THEN AT THE END YOU JUST TURN AROUND TOWARDS THE CAMERA YOU PROBABLY SET UP SO YOU CAN SHOW ALL YOUR BUDDIES LATER, AND YOU SMIRK EVER SO SLOWLY AND WHISPER “IT WORKED” WHILE I SOB AND CONVULSE ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE MY THINKPAN IS MALFUNCTIONING AND I’M PROBABLY DYING.

YOU KNOW WHAT, FINE, I’M JUST GONNA

STEP AWAY AND

JUST

OKAY

FINE

YOU WIN EGBERT

YOU WIN

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW YOU SICK BASTARD?

karkat, i am being as honest as i possibly can with you. i don’t think people talk like that. whatever website you found is lying to you and was probably made to make you look like a total, well, dumbass!

or whatever insult you want to choose for yourself.

but that’s not the point! the point is you are expecting that i am tricking you when it is pretty obvious i am not.

also, i don’t get how you are cooler than me because there are more trolls than humans. have you seen me? i’m pretty cool.

UNFORTUNATELY, I DON’T FEEL VERY COMFORTABLE TRUSTING “THE PRANKING MASTER” WHEN THERE’S NO ONE AROUND TO VOUCH FOR YOUR HONESTY. MAYBE IF ROSE OR… JADE WERE HERE AND THEY AGREED TOO, THEN SURE, FINE, I’D BE TOTALLY KEEN ON BELIEVING THAT MAYBE FOR ONCE YOU’RE NOT SPOUTING BULLSHIT LIES AT ME IN ORDER TO FURTHER HUMILIATE ME IN FRONT OF ALL MY PEERS.

BUT ALAS, IT LOOKS TO BE JUST ME AND YOU HERE, JOHN.

WAIT

YOU KNOW, IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT, THIS PRANK COULD BE MORE ELABORATE THAN I PREVIOUSLY ANTICIPATED…

WHAT IF

AND TRY TO STAY WITH ME HERE, JOHN

WHAT

IF

YOU KNEW THAT I WOULDN’T BELIEVE YOU WHEN YOU SAID THAT YOUR HUMANKIND DIDN’T SPEAK THAT WAY? WHAT IF YOU DELIBERATELY SAID ‘NO, OH WISE AND FANTASTIC KARKAT, WE DON’T SPEAK LIKE THAT,’ KNOWING FULL-WELL THAT I WOULD PICK UP ON IT BEING A PRANK! AND IN REALITY, YOU HUMANS DON’T TALK LIKE THAT, AND YOU WERE TELLING THE TRUTH KNOWING THAT I WOULD THINK IT WAS A LIE, AND THEREFORE TRYING TO VERY ELABORATELY TRICK ME INTO BELIEVING YOU HUMANS TALK THAT WAY! AND WORSE, WHEN I FOUND OUT YOU WERE LYING, YOU COULD TOTALLY PLAY IF OFF LIKE ‘WELL KARKAT I TOTALLY TOLD YOU THAT’S NOW HOW WE TALK, MAN.’ AND LEAVE ME AS THE FULL-BLOWN IDIOT FOR ALL TO POINT AND LAUGH AT!

WELL, NOT TODAY JOHN!

I’M NOT GONNA FALL FOR ANY PRANKS, NOT EVEN THE PRANK WITHIN A PRANK PRANKS!

I’M GOING TO SUSPEND YOUR STUPID MORONIC SOUNDING BUT APPARENTLY COOL (BUT ACTUALLY NOT COOL APPARENTLY?) MANNER OF SPEAKING AND CONTINUE TO SPEAK THE WAY I NORMALLY DO.

SO TAKE THAT!

AND ALSO, SINCE THERE ARE MORE TROLLS THAN HUMANS AND WE OUTNUMBER YOU, I’M PRETTY SURE THAT MAKES US THE DOMINANT SPECIES. THEREFORE OUR WAY OF LIFE, MANNER OF SPEAKING, SCALE OF COOLNESS, ET CETERA, TAKE PRECEDENCE OVER YOUR WAY OF LIFE, MANNER OF SPEAKING, SCALE OF COOLNESS, ET CETERA.

SO YOU MAYBE BE PRETTY COOL BUT HUMAN STANDARDS—WHICH I DOUBT—BUT YOU ARE NOT COOL BY TROLL STANDARDS, AND THAT’S ALL THAT REALLY COUNTS.

I HOPE YOU WERE TAKING NOTES HERE JOHN.

how could i confuse you with vriska? you two look completely different, act different and you yell at me all the time! and she’s a girl, too!

thanks for calling me and the human race stupid. you’re a real pal.

I DON’T KNOW, BUT IT’S DEFINITELY HAPPENING. BECAUSE SHE’S THE DRAMAAAAAAAATIC ONE, REMEMBER? NOT ME.

YEAH WELL YOU’RE THE REAL PAL, PAL, BECAUSE YOU’RE STILL TRYING TO TRICK ME INTO NOT TALKING LIKE A RAD YOUNG HUMAN HIPSTER. I AM SO BEYOND WISE TO YOU AND NONE OF YOUR GUILT TACTICS ARE GOING TO WORK.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON’T CARE ABOUT SOUNDING LIKE A COOL HUMAN ANYMORE BECAUSE THERE’S ONLY LIKE FOUR OF YOU ANYWAY AND WE’VE GOT YOU OUTNUMBERED BASICALLY, SO TECHNICALLY YOU’RE THE UNCOOL ONE NOW.

BUT SINCE I’VE GOT A BASIC GRASP OF YOUR NATIVE DIALECT, YOU CAN FEEL FREE TO TALK THE WAY YOU WANT AGAIN. I’LL DO MY BEST TO MAKE YOU FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.

BECAUSE I’M A REAL PAL.

LIKE YOU SAID.

when did i say any of this! you’re being over-dramatic again, karkat.

yes, jade, rose, dave and i all secretly communicate with secret phrases in a language that you looked up online and can understand which completely ruins the idea of having a secret code in the first place! jeez, you got us. that’s too bad.

I’M NOT BEING OVERDRAMATIC! I’M NEVER OVERDRAMATIC! YOU’RE CONFUSING ME WITH VRISKA, OBVIOUSLY, AND I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT.

I CAN’T REALLY UNDERSTAND IT, I’M STILL… WORKING ON LEARNING ALL THE INS AND OUTS AND… IT SOUNDS REALLY FUCKING STUPID HONESTLY, BUT EVERYTHING YOU HUMANS DO IS REALLY FUCKING STUPID SO I CAN’T ACTUALLY BE SURPRISED IF YOUR SECRET HUMAN LANGUAGE IS EQUALLY AS STUPID AS YOU ALL ARE.

i actually have no idea what you are making me say there.

but why would i just prank you out of the blue? that’s not my style!

I DON’T TAKE THE TIME TO SIT AROUND AND OBSERVE EXACTLY WHEN YOU DO AND DON’T PRANK, JOHN. I DIDN’T WATCH YOUR LIFE AND NOTE THE PHASES OF THE MOON AND HOW THEY CORRESPONDED TO WHAT AND WHO YOU PRANKED THAT DAY. JESUS CHRIST, COME ON, I’M NOT THAT LONELY.

AND LOOK, ANOTHER LIE! YOU TOTALLY KNOW WHAT I’M MAKING YOU SAY THERE! BECAUSE IT’S PROBABLY HOW YOU AND DAVE AND ROSE AND JADE ALL SECRETLY COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER! ISN’T IT?!

SORRY JOHN, BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO PRANK TODAY, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHO’S NOT GONNA FALL FOR YOUR LIES???

THIS GUY!!

+ almostexclusivelyornery

no, karkat, really!

but if you would rather believe some random person on the internet than me, that’s fine. since i’m always trying to embarrass you, i won’t tell you what to do. i’ll let you embarrass yourself this time.

but, really. no one talks like that. ever. that’s not a thing humans do.

NO STOP IT, I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE, JOHN.

YOU’RE USING YOUR HUMAN GUILT EMOTION TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT BELIEVING YOU, THEN ONCE I GET ALL “OH JOHN I’M SO SORRY, I’M SUCH A BAD FRIEND I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU,” YOU’LL BE ALL “LAWLZ NEGRO I PULLED THAT WOOL OVA YOUR EYES, WE BE MAD TALKIN’ LIKE THIS AND NOW YOU’RE LOOKING SHADES A’ LAME DAWG.”

IT’S NOT GONNA WORK THIS TIME JOHN.